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JoannaEchelonRO
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Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 915
Localitate: Constanta
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 Trimis: 30/08/2010 20:53 Titlul subiectului: The Jared Leto One-Shots |
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Voi posta aici one-shots, adica povestiri scurte. Acest prim one-shot s-a nascut dupa o conversatie intre mine si TheRealDeal, unde discutam despre esecul din viata personala a lui Jared. La un moment dat, ea a sugerat ca o sa ajunga sa se calugareasca. Iar de acolo, oh the plot bunnies.
Episode 1
Jared Leto, walking in a church. Blonde mohawk, red framed sunglasses, tight pants.
Jared: Uhm... hello?
- liniste -
Jared: I need to confess, is anybody available?
- liniste -
Jared: Oh, for crying out loud. Can't a man get a fucking priest around here? I swear ima...
Popa, venind: Son, please keep your voice down. I'm willing to help you.
Jared: Finally.
- se retrag intr-un colt al bisericii -
Popa: Confess, son.
Jared: Forgive me father, for i have fucked the Devil.
Popa: ... carry on son.
Jared: It all started after i was fucked in the ass by some stupid ex girlfriend wife to be. Then i started fucking girls in the ass myself.
Popa: ... yes, son.
Jared: Literally.
Popa: ... ok, son.
Jared: Then girls just weren't enough so forgive me father for i have fucked irish lads in the ass.
Popa: GOODNESS GRA... carry on...
Jared: But Ireland is such a tiny island so i decided to move on to Hollywood. Then TMZ was so close to taking pics of my naked shiny ass that i decided to leave hollywood alone.
Popa: ... yes... son.
Jared: Then I went to my bandmates. Now one of them had such a pretty voice that i always asked him to sing back up for me. And i NEVER. DO. THAT. So for doing that i decided to fuck him in the ass literally, but he fucked me first metaphorically and left the band.
Popa: ok...
Jared: Broke my heart.
Popa: ok...
Jared: Well not really, but i broke a nail that night.
Popa: Yes son.
Jared: Then i moved on and replaced him with a bulgarian looking motherfucker. He was sleeping in my bushes all along and i never noticed him. So i wanted to invite him to literally sleep in my pretty bushes.
Popa: And...
Jared: He had a bulgarian looking girlfriend but he at least didn't leave the band.
Popa: Carry on...
Jared: Then I moved on to my bassist. Pretty blonde bassist. Pretty 6 foot tall. Pretty legs and tattoos. Where was he all this time? Thing is he also had a girlfriend. Ugly ass lookin girlfriend.
Popa: What did you do son?
Jared: Oh i took a shit on her and stole her boyfriend.
Popa: 
Jared: Ok i didn't literally take a shit on her, but i did literally steal her boyfriend.
Popa: Son, that's...
Jared: No no, lemme carry on.
Popa: Ok...
Jared: I was so happy father. I loved him dearly. I even let him do the top part, so dearly. *trage muci* Look, my nose is running again for him. The bastard took my heart and cut it in 4 with his bass strings.
Popa: Oh, son...
Jared: HOW DARE HE?!
Biserica: 
Popa: Uh, son...
Jared: HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME?
Popa: Son, please calm down.
Jared: Haaa... got ya.
Popa:
Jared: No but rili nao. I suffered.
Popa: And...
Jared: So one day his girlfriend comes back early from... whatever the fuck she was doing.
Popa: Language, son.
Jared: Oh excuse me. I always forget to watch my mouth in a church, fucking fuck.
Popa: Son...
Jared: Sooo... where was I?
Popa: The girlfriend that came back...
Jared: Ah yes. So she went to fuck the dog... i mean, uhm. sorry. Walk the dog in the park whatever. Aaand i was so horny cus the show that night was so hawt and all.
Popa: Ok...
Jared: And tourbus secs is teh shit.
Popa: SON!
Jared: Oh sorry.
Popa: Carry on now.
Jared: So I decided to go to my pretty blonde lookin bassist and y'know... do some natural things.
Popa: Oh son...
Jared: At first he was so reluctant he almost made me fuck the table instead. But I'm Jared fucking Leto for a reason y'know?
Popa: Son...
Jared: Yeah sorry. So I told him his ugly ass gf went out so we could do some cool shit together before he got married.
Popa: And...
Jared: Meh he told me he'd been already married for half a fuckin year, but i could care less.
Popa: Son, that's...
Jared: Sticks n' stones, we were following Saint Reznor's words in a tourbus bunk in just a couple of seconds.
Popa: Holy...
Jared: Then his stupid gf came in, all finished fucking, i mean walking her dog. She stood there in the doorway with such a stupid face i almost ROFL'd in my orgasm.
Popa: Oh my God, son, you need...
Jared: Lemme finish!
Popa: Ok...
Jared: And i coulda ROFL in my orgasm if stupid Matthew hadn't abandoned me like i was Paris Hilton or smth and went after his stupid ass gf with their stupid ass dog running after him and biting his stupid ass.
Popa: Wait, wait, wait. Uh... why did you come here in the first place?
Jared: Oh. Well, I’m sick and tired of my fucked up love life.
Popa: And...
Jared: And my fucked up girlfriends.
Popa: But...
Jared: And my fucked up boyfriends.
Popa: Son...
Jared: And my fucked up one night stands.
Popa: Look...
Jared: Father, I’m almost fucking dogs in the ass now, do you understand?
Popa: ...
Jared: Well not really. But Tom DeLonge does.
Popa: Get to the point, son.
Jared: I wanna be a monk.
Biserica:
Popa: A monk.
Jared: Yes.
Popa: You’re not fooling me this time, son.
Jared: I’m not trying to fool you, father.
Popa, looks around, looks back at Jared: Are you doing a movie or something?
Jared: Father, I can’t do anything anymore. Can’t do women, can’t do men, and before I do dogs, I wanna be a monk.
Popa: You do realize your sins are...
Jared: But that’s why I’m here, father, cus you’re cool, and you can wash off my fucking sins.
Popa: Son...
Jared: Yeah, I know, language, you’ll have to teach me how to avoid the word fuck.
Popa: But...
Jared, rânjind: How’s it gonna be? Is somebody gonna whip me, or maybe chain my hands?
Popa: Son!
Jared: Chain my hands to my feet? Oh I knew you were one cool father of a bitch.
Popa: Mr. Leto, I...
Jared: Oh sorry. So. Does anyone teach voo doo stuff in this place?
Popa: You know son, I think...
Jared: I knew it. I want lots and lots of voo doo dollies. I need... *counts on fingers* ... uhm. Haaa, my fingers are not enough to count `em all.
Popa: Lord almighty...
Jared: So can I have a specialty or something? You can give me 19 year old girls as clients.
Popa: Son...
Jared: Don’t worry, father, ima teach those 19 year olds some manners. Ima have to borrow the whips though.
Popa: Son, we don’t have such things as...
Jared: Oh, I can only imagine...
Girl, covered in a negru veil: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Jared: You bad, bad girl. Tell father everything you did. *slaps whip on the floor*
Girl: Oh I-I-I... misbehaved.
Jared: You know what bad girls get do you?
Girl: Ooh, I can only imagine.
Jared: Well, mamacita, you and I, me and you, mano e mano, we’re gonna get rid of those nasty sins of yours.
Girl: Really?
Jared: But first, you gotta get rid of that veil. I’m sure it’s covering a pretty, blonde face.
Girl: Uh, how do you know I’m a blonde?
Jared: I can smell blondes from miles away. Their scent, their... shampoo, their... feet... and you, sweetheart, you’re a blue eyed blonde.
Girl: Oh father, you’re so skilled.
*buzz*
Jared: Hold on a minute. *scoate BlackBerry din sutana, looks over the screen, reads* LauraLostAlone: Forgive me father for I have sinned again. Meh... *types* @LauraLostAlone Staaarve yooourseeelf tooo deeaath. Ok. Where were we?
Girl: I think...
Jared: Wait *types again* yooou biiitch. Now. What can I say... I have a vast experience. Now let me see your face.
Girl, getting the veil off her face: Hi Jared.
Jared, jumping up, dropping the whip: MATTHEW?! What... how the... what are you...
Matt, rising up to his feet: Glad to see you too.
Jared, panting: I think ima... ima...
Jared, standing up in his tourbus bunk: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! YOU BASTARD! YOU SINGER CHEATER WIFE RUNAWAY! YOU...
*se aprind luminile*
Jared: *looks around*
Shannon, cu mâna pe întrerupǎtor: Who was it this time?
Jared: Huh...
Shannon: Alejandro? Fernando? Roberto?
Tomo, snickering: Mateo...
Tim, ținând pǎturile pânǎ în bǎrbie: 
Jared: I don’t even...
Shannon: Right. I told you a million times, stop reading stupid books...
*lights off*
PS: Nu eu am cenzurat cuvintele! 
_________________
www.youtube.com/JoannaEchelonRO |
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TheRealDeal
Echelon
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 694
Localitate: Constanta
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| Trimis: 30/08/2010 21:04 Titlul subiectului: |
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Oh my Gawd,it's even better! Si imagine Jared as a monk..
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We have raccoons!
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OanaERO
Moderator
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 773
Localitate: RO/DK
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| Trimis: 30/08/2010 22:01 Titlul subiectului: |
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"Jared: Hold on a minute. *scoate BlackBerry din sutana, looks over the screen, reads* LauraLostAlone: Forgive me father for I have sinned again. Meh... *types* @LauraLostAlone Staaarve yooourseeelf tooo deeaath. Ok. Where were we? "
Holy mother of Lawd
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SavethePlanet
Martian
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 170
Localitate: Galati
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| Trimis: 30/08/2010 22:19 Titlul subiectului: |
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| deci am ras cu lacrimi.cred ca e cea mai tare chestie pe care am citit`o vreodata.nici nu mi`l pot imagina pe Jared calugar...adik Jeeez e asha amuzant:))))))))))=)))))))))))))) |
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OanaERO
Moderator
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 773
Localitate: RO/DK
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| Trimis: 04/09/2010 21:04 Titlul subiectului: |
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Makes sense now...
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TheRealDeal
Echelon
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 694
Localitate: Constanta
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| Trimis: 04/09/2010 21:06 Titlul subiectului: |
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Chiar ca dirty
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We have raccoons!
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SavethePlanet
Martian
Data inscrierii: 03/Ian/2010
Mesaje: 170
Localitate: Galati
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| Trimis: 05/09/2010 19:23 Titlul subiectului: |
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| wtf?:-o |
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Ingi
Newbie
Data inscrierii: 06/Apr/2010
Mesaje: 50
Localitate: DarkSide Constanta
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| Trimis: 07/09/2010 14:06 Titlul subiectului: |
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omfg sis, this is the shit, XDXD prea tare, ultima faza e geniala XD !
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The evil mind is contagious even at a large distance of the source, but don't confuse it with the mind that jumped the fence of sanity! |
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kat2108
Newbie
Data inscrierii: 22/Apr/2011
Mesaje: 57
Localitate: Bucuresti
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| Trimis: 23/09/2011 22:00 Titlul subiectului: |
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Pura nebunie
Bai deci am murit aici de ras
Jared calugar, cea mai proasta combinatie
Fazele cu blackberry-ul sunt memorabile
Prima data credeam ca „blonda cu ochi albastrii” e o baba sau something like that, but no! Era Matt, lol, omg, !!!
Daca vreau sa mor asfixiata stiu unde vin
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